About me

I’m Shaun, and I am trying to make some drastic changes to my life. I’ve had a problem with alcohol for many years, and I’ve never wanted to admit it. I’m completely fed up with my bullshit, so I’ve decided to make a blog to keep myself accountable, hopefully.

The story so far

I was born in 1987 at South Shields Hospital and raised on a council estate in Jarrow by a single mother. I had a decent childhood and plenty of friends and did alright in school.

I left school and went on to college, where I did a BTEC in IT, and then my mam told me I either had to get a job or go to university. Despite having zero interest in law, I decided to go to university and study law. I dropped out after two years, and I’m still paying for it to this day.

I had a passion for DJing. While at university, I started working in bars and clubs in the north east. I DJ’d for 12 years and loved every minute of it. It’s how I met my wife, and it also played a big part in my relationship with alcohol.

I worked at the NHS during the day. I would process applications for European health insurance cards. I did that for six years until I was so utterly depressed that I started looking for something to make a career out of. I would build websites as a kid, and I still remembered quite a bit of the technical stuff, so I applied for a junior developer role and got it.

Getting that job changed the trajectory of my life. I was working for a boss who wanted me to do well, and I excelled massively over the next few years. After four years, I became a lead developer and earned money I never thought possible.

I left the NHS and joined HMRC for a year before joining a bank where I currently work in strategy. I still pinch myself, struggling to comprehend how well I’ve managed to do for myself.

I’m married, and I have two beautiful kids. I have a dog called Daisy. I own my house, have a brilliant job, and my family cares deeply about me. From the outside, you could say I have a pretty good life and have my shit together. That’s not entirely true.

Mental health and addiction

I have suffered from depression most of my adult life. It’s fucking awful. It’s horrible for me, and it’s horrible for my family. I’ve been in and out of talking therapies for about a decade now, and I’ve been on almost every prescription drug you can think of to try and help with it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an addictive personality. I can remember, as a kid, becoming addicted to football stickers and Pokemon cards. As a teenager, I was in trouble with the police, and my mam bought me a PC to keep me off the streets. I very quickly became addicted to games. I’ve spent over 3 entire years playing World of Warcraft alone.

I must be extremely mindful of what I pick up because once I’m in, I’m in. It’s why I’ll never step into a casino or take drugs. I’m the guy who will lose the house or end up dead because of a drug overdose. I can’t do moderation. Everything I do is in extremes. It’s worked wonders for my career, but it has been brutal outside of that.

Before COVID, I decided to start running. I started running a mile, and then each day, I challenged myself until, after about three months, I ran ten miles every day. I lost around five stone and was the fittest I’ve ever been. I picked up an injury, which broke me mentally because I couldn’t get the run done. I was addicted.

I started drinking when I was about seventeen. I knew immediately that it was different for me. I always tried not to drink, but it was all around me when I started DJing. It was encouraged that you drink on the job. A lot of bars and clubs would even provide it for free.

Sometimes I’d DJ four or five times a week, and my tolerance would go up as I drank more. I went from drinking four cans of carling when I was seventeen and being hammered to drinking fourteen pints almost every time I was DJing.

When I stopped DJing around ten years ago, I struggled to lower how much I was drinking. I’ve always found an excuse to drink. I can be really happy, and I’ll have a drink. If I’m sad, I’ll drink. If I’m celebrating something, I’ll drink. It’s my go-to for literally any emotion.

It has become a coping mechanism for my depression. Despite alcohol being a depressant, it’s the only thing that can temporarily ease the constant strain on my mind and make me feel human.

I have been in denial for many years. Honestly, I’m scared of what my life might be like without alcohol. Part of me loves to be drunk, but the other part loathes me for doing this to myself. I’m also conscious that I will replace this addiction with something else.

I’m deeply unhappy with my current predicament and want to be sober. I don’t want to die young and leave my kids without a dad. I also want to be a better dad, one who doesn’t get hammered when they’re in bed. I want to be a better husband who doesn’t get pissed and cause arguments. My wife deserves better. My kids deserve better. I deserve better.

Join me as I try to beat this head-on. It won’t be easy, but I’m ready to try my best.